The Brit

Well, randomly meeting men on planes or in restaurants didn't seem to be working, so I was delighted when a male friend of mine from graduate school e-mailed me out of the clear blue sky and said that he was thinking about a quick visit.

"When?"

"Well, I start my new job on the 31st, so...sometime in the next few days..."

The next thing I knew, my friend Tom was sending me his flight itinerary for arrival--in two days!!!

In graduate school, we had both been seriously dating other people, and now was the first time that both he and I were extricated from other relationships and free to date--each other.

When he arrived, he came bearing champagne and marmelades and all sorts of splendid things. We caught up on friends from school, and for the first time, I had the chance to spend a lot of private time with him. I knew from school that he was intelligent, ambitious, perceptive and hard-working. What I came to realize as we spent more time together is that he is also affectionate, charming, generous, indulgent and makes the most of what comes his way. I also found that he had a folder full of photos labeled with my name on them on his hard drive. Had he had a crush on me since graduate school?

We went away together for the weekend, and as we both marveled, we didn't run out things to talk about nor did we need private time away from each other. But then, when we kissed, it was just...awkward. We tried again...still awkward. As affectionate friends and colleagues-- great. As man and woman, potential lovers and mate-- it just didn't feel comfortable. I could sense that he felt conflicted about his former fiancee-- whom I did not realize he was still e-mailing everyday even though they had broken up a year ago and even his mom noted they "were just not suited." I guess he wasn't free to try things out after all...although even if he wasn't still emotionally intertwined, I'm still not sure if would have made a difference between us.

When we parted ways at the airport, we were sad, wistful, affectionate...and wondering.